Okay, everybody apologize to Monica
Anyone who spent any time on The Hinky Meter knows the velociraptorous hatred Monica has for all things flip-floppish. Some of you chastised her in the past as if she was a shoe snob, or un-American, or maybe being too picky.
Well, she’s been vindicated. A new study has come out (as they do!) showing that 78% of adults over 21 have some form of foot pain and guess who the culprit is!?! THE FLIP FLOP.
Monica will love this quote:
There’s no heel support and structural support … on that little slab of rubber.
Come to find out the old flip flop is really that. They’ve been around since 1500 BC! (And I think that means that some of them I’ve seen REALLY HAVE been around since 1500 BC!)
Now the flip-flop defenders are staunch supporters of their coveted slabs of rubber. Brian Curin, president and co-founder of Flip Flop Shops, which makes him a flip flop lobbier doesn’t it!!?, states:
It promotes this good mental state of health. It’s hard to be in a bad mood when you’re wearing flip-flops.
I think that’s a bit of hyperbole, Brian. Come now. I can’t even achieve a “mood” if I try to wear flip-flops. I’m too busy having to scrunch my toes to get a death grip on the rubber slab so I don’t have a blow out. No, I do not achieve mentally healthy status in a flip flop, Brian.
So then the experts explain why the flip flop hurts our feet. They do, indeed, refer to the “toe death grip” that drives me far from the flip flop, but they also point out that the darned things aren’t even a shoe (in any sense of the word short of being between your foot and the ground).
But Brian Curin, pimp-daddy for the flip flop, comes back by saying that you just need to abandon the cheap $2 flip flop and get one of (HIS???) the high dollar flip flops because they’ve got all those pieces parts that we consider a real shoe has, only they are still not a whole shoe.
Right…I get that. I’m not wearing flip flops though.
Now, everybody apologize to Monica. She was warning you this conspiracy was going to bust out soon and you just wouldn’t listen to her. Like John the Baptist in the desert she just shouted her warnings and ate her locusts and nobody listened. Well, kiss and make up now.